Monthly Archives: February 2012


I’m nearly there. Looking back, I’m amazed that we expect our eighteen and nineteen-year-olds to be able to do this. I swear this takes more effort and organisation and initiative than the majority of first jobs, and honestly I’m so tired. I want something that takes up my nine-to-five, but which then gives me back my five-to-midnight (and the rest of the night as well). I want to know, this is work time. This is where all the work things happen. And then this time, this is when I sing. And this time is when I cook and eat and wash and clean and tidy and make it all ready to happen again because I have this time now – that’s the time I don’t seem to be able to find. I want, free of guilt, to know that this time is when I share a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a teaspoon each, with S, watching a film and not a bit of me thinking, yes, but I should be doing that now. I want to wake up and think, ah! it’s Saturday, this time is when I get up and go outside and walk on things or photograph other things or buy things I don’t need (which, oh yes, I also have the money to have now). I want weekends which are different from weekdays, so that I don’t need to contemplate going out and staying out in the middle of the week because that’s frankly a bad idea and everyone knows that.

I’m pretty sure it’s too good to be true. But either way. Not long now. On the upside, I got my exam results a day or so ago and I’m pretty pleased as these things go. And on the really really upside, I have a plan for next year. Even better, it involves a lot of singing.



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