I wrote this title a few days ago and now have no idea what I originally intended to write. Anyway. A better day again today, and I feel like I’m getting the ground under my feet. I’m still not in a position to say much of interest or wit.
But today I have eaten two satsumas for breakfast, and I had lunch too, and I may even have supper. I weigh less than I have in years and I have the presence of mind to feel pleased about that however much I know that I’ve lost it in a stupid way (a few weeks of utter silliness, and then the shock of a break-up which to be fair left me with no choice about the not-eating thing whatsoever).
I want to go out running. I have a number of things I want to join – in terms of societies and music groups and volunteering things and so on.
And furthermore, I am right now, as we speak, sitting down on my own in J’s room (admittedly not mine but that’s because I live in the attic and it’s nice to know that life is going on around me even if I’m not currently taking part in it). I am on my own, writing, thinking, and that’s a huge improvement. Yesterday I couldn’t be alone – surrounded by people but not talking to them was OK although not brilliant, but now here I am all alone and feeling utterly fine.
What’s more, I want to go shopping for shoes. Specifically the feistiest, gutsiest, most beautiful ankle boots that ever lived, to be worn with thick tights and dresses and possibly big socks as well, to be danced in, to make my legs look good by the contrast, and to make me happy. That and a new pair of Very Silly High Heels. I know I don’t have the money, but to be fair I’ve hardly spent any money recently on food or on going out or anything and I’ve been back in UniTown for over a fortnight and I haven’t yet bought anything I can wear so this definitely needs to be rectified before I get committed to some kind of institution – not-having-bought-anything is incredibly out of character as you may have already realised. (Statistical Snippet From The Summer – I may have bought over £500-worth of clothing and footwear since exams in June *shifty whistle*).
I am doing other sensible things, too. To be utterly honest as I always am, this involves setting up therapy with a private counsellor who has the sort of no-nonsense approach (I think she does, I got that impression, anyway) that should really help me. And I have The Horrible Book to work through, wot the doc gave me, Overcoming Low Self-Esteem (I think that’s its name) which burns my fingers when I touch it (or rather, more importantly it burns my very soul…) but I think once it’s taken me apart a bit it might put me back together. Or rather, I will do all of those things with the help of that book, and my counsellor, and my doctor, and my family, and my friends, and just you fucking wait. I want to show you. And you, and you, and you, you, you. I will be unstoppable.
Right now, though, I need to go and distract myself from myself before I do something horrific – like burst into tears. These last few days, everyone I know has probably seen or heard me cry, and that’s not good, before that, no-one had seen me cry in years bar P, once, and my family, a while back when I hit my head on a ceiling-corner very hard (attic gable-window angle, you know the things, they’re the very devil, of course I cried then, but other than that, not so much. I sometimes might end up crying on my own but no-one ever sees me do it and that’s all changed lately. Fun).
Anyway, there you go. A bit of a crazy whirlwind tour through the more rational bits of my current mindset. Promise you, things here will get more interesting in a bit.
O.T.B. 