Hello Beautiful

Missing you is strange. I remember getting over people in the past and once you’ve got over the weeks of crying and being totally shit at being a human being in general, there gets to a point where on some level you just ache with loss. Life feels a bit bleak and empty and you have to work hard to be enthusiastic about the things you like. As for the things you don’t like, they’re almost impossible to do because you’re far, far too short on enthusiasm.

So this kind of feels like that. Except, actually, I keep forgetting you’re gone at all, which is nice. I’m here in a place where you’re not, normally, so therefore I can quite easily get on with things with the sense that when I go back home, you’ll be there. And then I remember you’re not here, but I also remember that actually you’ll be back in only two months, and then I feel pretty silly for missing you in the first place. And that actually makes me feel really good about missing you because this is so very much better than if you’d broken up with me. I feel fantastic, because you’re coming back.

But still, it’s not ideal. I’m having to remember that most people keep their inner monologues in their head and you’re not here now to recieve mine as it goes. I fell asleep talking last night which was stupid because you weren’t there to listen. Also it was pretty cold, and I was wearing a onesie. Not ideal. And I can’t cook without burning things. I hope you didn’t throw the rest of those scourers away in the end because let’s be honest, unless I stick with oven chips and fried eggs, I’ll probably need them.

So basically actually this first day without you has been just grand. Although I haven’t done enough work, but I’ll keep trying, as I always do, and I know you’d give me a kiss for that. Presumably at some point I’ll be a bit less forgetful about the fact that you’re gone, or coming back, and feel a bit less confused.

I suppose that’s it really. I’m not sad, I’m just a bit confused and in a mild state of disgruntlement. Oh, and chuckling out loud at myself as I write this. Pretty sure you’d be laughing at me too.



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5 responses to “Hello Beautiful

  1. Emma

    Feeling pretty much the same but without the cooking issue – however, had to do my own washing up today, which was strange! Still, one day down… πŸ™‚

  2. killermia

    I expect this will be my permanent state of mind (especially re: the cooking and the inner monologue thing) for the whole of next year…except it’ll be me that leaves and not him. It’s not silly at all πŸ™‚

  3. I don’t know, I kind of quite like thinking that it’s a silly thing to do because if it’s silly then that means it can’t be a bad thing, can it? Thinking of myself as being a bit silly for missing him makes me celebrate our relationship rather than bitching about his absence :). And I like that. I’d far rather laugh at myself than be sad!

  4. killermia

    Argh, I’m afraid I misunderstood there – I thought you were berating yourself as being silly for missing him, rather than making light of the situation. My mistake!

  5. Well, kind of both – I was weaving complex layers of metahumour just to confuse you all really :P. And you’ll be fine next year – for one thing, you’ll be in a whole different country having all sorts of amazing experiences so I think you’ll find it easier than you fear πŸ™‚ – in the same way, I’m very glad I’ve got a full time job lined up this summer as well as knitting projects, various trips, visits, walks and all sorts to do :).

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