Missing you is strange. I remember getting over people in the past and once you’ve got over the weeks of crying and being totally shit at being a human being in general, there gets to a point where on some level you just ache with loss. Life feels a bit bleak and empty and you have to work hard to be enthusiastic about the things you like. As for the things you don’t like, they’re almost impossible to do because you’re far, far too short on enthusiasm.
So this kind of feels like that. Except, actually, I keep forgetting you’re gone at all, which is nice. I’m here in a place where you’re not, normally, so therefore I can quite easily get on with things with the sense that when I go back home, you’ll be there. And then I remember you’re not here, but I also remember that actually you’ll be back in only two months, and then I feel pretty silly for missing you in the first place. And that actually makes me feel really good about missing you because this is so very much better than if you’d broken up with me. I feel fantastic, because you’re coming back.
But still, it’s not ideal. I’m having to remember that most people keep their inner monologues in their head and you’re not here now to recieve mine as it goes. I fell asleep talking last night which was stupid because you weren’t there to listen. Also it was pretty cold, and I was wearing a onesie. Not ideal. And I can’t cook without burning things. I hope you didn’t throw the rest of those scourers away in the end because let’s be honest, unless I stick with oven chips and fried eggs, I’ll probably need them.
So basically actually this first day without you has been just grand. Although I haven’t done enough work, but I’ll keep trying, as I always do, and I know you’d give me a kiss for that. Presumably at some point I’ll be a bit less forgetful about the fact that you’re gone, or coming back, and feel a bit less confused.
I suppose that’s it really. I’m not sad, I’m just a bit confused and in a mild state of disgruntlement. Oh, and chuckling out loud at myself as I write this. Pretty sure you’d be laughing at me too.