I wish I could tell you how sorry I am, and how grateful. I feel like I’ve had your hand on my shoulder all the way through this, and I can’t tell if or how or why I deserve it, but I am so unbelievably touched that you think so. I wish I could ask you for more advice but I can’t without breaking down into tears and anyway, there are some things you can’t tell me, and some pieces of wisdom that cannot really be shared by word of mouth alone. I will learn some things only by experience and up to this point, experience has often come too late. I am stubborn, and difficult, and there are certainly some lessons I have had huge difficulty even starting to learn. There are some lessons I haven’t learnt yet and by the time I do, if I do, it will be far too late.
I wish I could tell you how much I have enjoyed this, really, honestly, truly. I wish I could express how filled with regret I am that enjoyment is not enough, that words on paper are what is needed, and these words written here aren’t the kind of words that will cut the mustard. I wish above all that I could come back and do this again and acquit myself better this time round. You’ve given me chance after chance and it’s not your fault that at this point in time it was never quite going to be enough. I have loved this. I have fought it, I have resented it, I have been arrogant about it and overwhelmed about it – sometimes in the same breath – but it is a part of me now and even when it is done I cannot simply walk away, not quite. I would miss it, like a limb, like a lobotomy, beloved and strange and compelling. I simply have to keep going now, with my head held high, however keeping my chin up is going to be when I could cry for the fact that at the end of the day it is not just my shortcomings and my own capricious stubbornness that have got me here but the fact that actually, this was a challenge to which I could not qutie match up. I so very much wish I could express to you all of this.
I will have to find an apple – and thanks for all the fish,