The ‘You Know You’re Middle Class When…’ list. I couldn’t think of any more things that weren’t obvious, so I stopped.
- at the age of twenty-one you already own more than one cafetiere. And a camping cafetiere mug, and a travel mug. Just in case.
- your enjoyment of eighties music is definitely, definitely ‘ironic’.
- you own decent whisky. You probably shouldn’t.
The ‘Stupid Experiments I Have Tried With Mind-Altering Substances That Are Not Illegal’ list. To clarify, I’ve never done anything stupid or not stupid with illegal substances. And all of these anecdotes are from when I was sixteen. Clearly I should never have been allowed to be sixteen, certainly not for as long as a year.
- Once, whilst on a music course and incredibly hungover, I drank an entire pot of tea. Not a normal, four-person pot. A whole, billion-litre, industrial catering pot, which comfortably holds upwards of ten tea-bags worth of tea. I got tea-poisoning, came over all shaky, and couldn’t stand, let alone think or indeed sing.
- Adding vodka to herbal teas does not make you ‘interesting’ or ‘hippy’. Even if the tea is chocolate and jasmine flavoured. It just tastes vile, like hot, medicinal vodka.
- ‘Herbal Highs’ have no effect on me except to make me (well, my sixteen-year-old self) feel very guilty and surreptitious.
A similar list, of stupid things my friends tried, at the same sort of age, with substances that are not illegal:
- taking a shot of vodka through the eye is not big or clever. It is just painful. It does, apparently, make you drunk far faster.
- Snorting Polos will not make double GCSE chemistry pass any quicker but it might give you a nosebleed which will, if you’re lucky, get you out of the lesson. Alternatively your nose won’t bleed and will just hurt a lot instead.
- If, at a party, you all decide to pool your alcoholic resources, don’t do that literally. At least, not until you’re all too wasted to care anyway. Think about it. Bailey’s, coke, vodka, Stella, Jack Daniels, Guinness and Archer’s in one bottle is no-one’s idea of a good time. No-one actually wants to do a dirty pint, do they? It’s one of those things certain people in certain places are for some reason made to do on a significant birthday, not a rational choice for those who want to have a good time.
Reasons Why I’m Glad That Geeky Is Getting Cool Again:
- flat sandals in summer
- bike baskets on handlebars (so very useful)
- being a girl and not feeling like a weirdo for using a bike in the first place (oh, the fun I had at school when I most definitely was a freak for riding into school)
- Do you remember how, a few years ago, it was contacts, or rimless glasses, or wandering around being blind? And glasses with frames were all terribly spinstery? And I wore them anyway? My glasses these days have big frames, and quite large lenses, and are excellent.
Sleep-Related Good Things
- I have woken up after seven every morning this week, except the time I woke up with a terrible headache. This is brilliant, frankly.
- I had the most awesome fun dream last night involving new clothes, the world’s most extravagant picnic-based houseparty ever ever, and I looked stunning all dream. It was amazing.
- I’m going to get a new mattress. You have no idea how happy this makes my spine.
Things That Have Horrified Me This Week:
- I increasingly suspect that I have developed an intolerance to alcohol. Which leaves me with the following drinking choices: tea, coffee, water, fizzy water, fruit juice. For the rest of my life. I’m going to test this theory out tonight with no more than two drinks.