Pruning Facebook

I’ve decided I don’t want to have things like Favourite Quotations on my profile any more. Gradually I expect I’ll cull some friends and some interests and films and books and whatnot, too. I’ve been on Facebook since I was seventeen and I’ve hardly ever deleted anything from my profile and perhaps it’s about time.

Meanwhile – these are the things that, over the last four years, have seemed hilarious or profound enough to put into my ‘favourite quotations’:

  • “I’ve got a shaving box, I’ll stuff you in. There’s a penguin in there, you won’t know each other, there’ll be embarassing pauses.” Or something like that.
  • “The ending is always happy. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end”
  • ”I’m sorry to inconvenience you two, but I can’t actually see anything in my rearview mirror” — Callan on New Years, 2006-7, to Keir and I.
  • “You know, I just thought it was quite a cool pop song” — my sister, joining the generation above several decades too early.
  • “Everyone knows all the reasons why they don’t deserve to be loved; everyone who cares for them knows some of the reasons why they do.” — the genius that is Trishy. She’s so happy, she has her own group. And she regularly makes me feel better. AND I’m married to her, so I am the luckiest girl in the world, QED πŸ™‚
  • Her: ‘It’s like someone’s trying to suck milk out of it or something. I’m not having a baby, alright?’
    Me: ‘Did you SERIOUSLY just start up a conversation with your own right nipple?’
    Her: ‘You know what, yeah, I think I did.’
    (a conversation between me and a friend, who shall remain nameless to save her blushes. Although I’m pretty sure you can all guess who I’m talking about!)
  • Me: ‘Well, I’ve lost a bit of weight recently, so I may well fit into your dress.’ Clare: [astounded expression], ‘you HAVE!?!’ (not sure if that was meant to be a question or just an expression of her total shock that I’d actually managed to be less than planetary in girth… Either way, my sister (love you lots, Clare) is utterly the most tactful person on the planet. Or not, as the next quote also proves…)
  • Clare: ‘You know, Jenny (looking at me trying on a surprisingly unflattering skirt)…you’ve actually got the top half of a reeeeeeeally thin person, and bottom half of a really FAT person’. Oh, Clare, I love you.
  • And my father, noticing me sunbathing in the garden: ‘Jenny, you look like a beached albino whale’. Um, cheers, Dad πŸ™‚ I wonder where Clare gets it from?!
  • Anthony: ‘I really think I should try to stop neurotically stroking my own face’ (yes dear…)
  • Katie: ‘I’m not coming out of my room because you can see my nipples’…! (it was drop dead hilarious at that time)
  • Dylan Moran as Bernard Black: ‘What is this? What is this that I’m drinking? It’s like a choc ice…fell into a bottle of bleach’ (last episode of series 3 of Black Books. Just so you know. Bloomin’ilarious.
  • Little Pete (although I think this might be a bit ‘you had to be there’, you can see why it was funny at the time…): ‘I can sleep in a bed and not have sex’!

Because, erm, recycling four years’ worth of nonsense is obviously what counts for seriously high-quality blogging these days.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Pruning Facebook

  1. mikel

    You could always replace your favourite quotations section with a section on Zen teachings. Here’s a few to get you started.
    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact,
    just piss off and leave me alone.

    2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

    3. No one is listening until you fart.

    4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a
    couple of mortgage payments.

    7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their
    shoes.

    8.. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    10. If you lend someone Β£20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

    11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

    12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

    13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one
    works.

    17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

    18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

    19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then
    things just keep getting worse.

    20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
    the same night.

  2. Jenny

    I particularly like no.15 :).

  3. Clare

    Number 15, as you can tell, is something I live by.

  4. teacherface

    No.2 made me chuckle.

    Facebook pruning ftw!

  5. Adam

    The alternative no.2 I know is:

    Sex is like money. Only far too much of it is ever enough.

    A distinctly male point of view perhaps. As for the facebook cull, as long as I survive, it sounds like a good idea!!

  6. Jenny

    Is there any easy way to prune friends fast? would like there to be just a tick box select-and-delete option to be honest…! callous or what?
    xxx

  7. http://www.facebook.com/friends/?filter=afp

    On there you should just be able to click the “x” next to someone then confirm. Don’t know if that’s any faster than what you’re currently doing.

  8. Jenny

    You’re actually a genius πŸ˜€ xx

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