I'm Going To Say Something Hideously Controversial So Please Don't Misconstrue It, Alright?

Basically, this. And I will clarify, before I start, I hated being depressed, of course I did, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone and I would never ever wish to be in that place again if I to any extent have the choice, and I want you to read the following paragraphs being absolutely certain of that because otherwise you’re all going to hate me. And I don’t know how to say this or where to start because it’s hard to put into words but I want to have said it.

So basically. There are very, very, very few good points about depression – in fact, I think, there is only one. And it is this: that people show you just how much they do care, in a way that when you’re not depressed, or ill, they sort of have no cause to. Does that make sense? There was something really, really good about, when having a bad day, just having someone there to hold my hand and look out for me. When everything tasted like cardboard and nothing had any kind of colour and I couldn’t care less about anything it did actually matter on some level that you were there holding me whilst I drifted miles away marooned in my cloud. There is no greater or more valuable proof of love than that you were waiting for me to come back and didn’t blame me in the least and some of my favourite memories of some of my favourite people are from some of the bleakest and most awful days I had. When I was panicking, running, desperate, away from rooms and crowds and people, or having nightmares and crying out in my sleep, too, and you were there unquestioning saying soothing things as if I was actually a small child whilst I tried to remember how to cry. I want to apologise to the people who had to deal with me in that kind of a state, for the days I ruined, the moments people have had to miss out on in order to stick around and look after me, I don’t like that I’ve put people through that, and it’s probably deeply boring watching me take three hours to decide whether or not I want a cup of tea and then drink it, and it must be hard taking decisions about whether I should eat or drink something and having to put me to bed and watch out for me, it must have been hard taking responsibility for everything for me because I couldn’t do that for myself sometimes, and I’m so very sorry. There’s a bit of me that here and now wants to write a list of tiny little moments that I will always treasure, just to show you all, but I’m not prepared to lay myself and my friendships and, well, other people, that open.

But the way I have been loved and cared for in those moments means more to me than I can possibly express, and now I am (thank God, thank everything, thank everyone) OK, now I’m not depressed and I don’t have nightmares about anything worse than finding myself naked in the supermarket or whatever, now I am fine I don’t expect I will have that absolute nurturing love from anyone ever again, not unless I get ill with something else or something (here’s hoping that never happens to me either), and there’s a bit of me that is kind of sad that never again will having someone’s arms around me or watchful gaze over me as I lie there have that same kind of emotional weight. But I know full well and I know I am lucky to know this, that there are hundreds of ways of feeling loved and of loving people and of being loved.

Please say that all of this does make sense and doesn’t make me a bad person? I know this is a garbled entry, too many convoluted clauses, too much and too little punctuation, very badly expressed, but I hope you can understand this.

So before I move on (I have so much work to do), very simply, thank you, and sorry. Whether you read this or not, you all know who you are.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “I'm Going To Say Something Hideously Controversial So Please Don't Misconstrue It, Alright?

  1. Just to be cheerful: even nominally ‘okay’ people have very, very low moments too. So you will still get that gentleness.

    Also, do you know how prickly you can be when someone tries to hug you sometimes?!

    Or maybe it’s just me… πŸ˜›

    xxx

    • Jenny

      I’m sure you’re right – huzzah, I’m fine and sometimes I still feel shit!!

      Hrm. Wait, that’s not right…!

      Yeah, I’m prickly sometimes. Sorry! Xxx

  2. I understand what you’re saying. But C R M’s right. You can be low and need looking after even when it’s mostly OK.

  3. Kat

    Thats natural everyone wants to be loved and shown that love. show someone your love and get some in return maybe?

    just had on some beautiful south and this reminded me of you πŸ™‚ xx

  4. Jenny

    heh, yeah, I guess. I suppose I’ve just been in a constant grump for the last several months, I could probably use a hug, however prickly I may be, and maybe this is as near as I get to asking for it?

  5. Adam

    Jenny – I’m sure I speak for everyone that’s helped you through when I say that we’re here for you, whenever you need us.

    Personally – my friendship is not dependant on any thing – my grandfather died quite recently, and my mother said of him “You may have considered him a friend, but he considered all his friends, as his family” – that’s where I come from, and that’s what I believe…

    What I’m saying is – I’m only ever a call/text/e-mail/tweet/fb message away – and that’s not going to change any time soon. xXx

  6. Jenny

    Thank you :).

    Anthony also made the point that when, say, he’s ‘watching me take three hours to decide whether or not I want a cup of tea and then drink it’ (or rather when that used to be the case) it wasn’t about the cup of tea. Of course it wasn’t. A cup of tea may be excellent but it is in no way worth three hours of anyone’s time, let alone two peoples’ time, not really, not at all. If that was the case you could’ve just put me on an IV or something. It’s about the being there and everything behind the cup of tea. The gesture, the love.

    I don’t know why I’m so emotional at the moment. I’m going to put it down to hormones. Or testicles, if you’re a fan of the TV show Coupling and know what I’m talking about.

    xxx

  7. I’m still trying to find the hideously controversial bit???

    I wasn’t there then, and I have of course never actually met you face2face, but seriously, don’t feel bad because people gave their time for you. Most decent people will even if they can’t afford it and will do so gladly. And don’t feel bad about trying to say thank you either – I went through a phase where I wanted to thank everyone for the help they gave me but y’know, words are words, the best way to say thank you is to be their friend back. Everyone needs someone at some point, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

    Of course, if you ever want any help, advice, to moan or whatever you can swivel… joking!! Moan away, I get unlimited texts and I will, as you’ve found out this week, more than happily set the world to rights, by and large most topics covered!! Advice not guaranteed to be useful though and in the wrong mood it will be downright stupid, because yeah, I’m like that!

  8. Jenny

    Thank you :).

    The hideously controversial bit was the bit where I suggested that there was an upside to being depressed; that htere is anything about being in that state that is good in any way. I didn’t want to suggest that being depressed was in any way preferable to not being, and I didn’t want people to misread my post as saying that; the original draft was a lot clumsier with words and seemed much more that way.

    And also yes, thank you for your friendship. Setting the world to rights by text is rapidly becoming one of my favourite hobbies, which is a bit of a shame because I *don’t* have unlimited texts…

    xxx

  9. I think that having people care for you is an upside of life, as opposed to depression. After all, there are people in this world who are depressed without that support network, so it isn’t really about depression so much as the sense of how invaluable a good friendship base is …

  10. Flix

    It’s in your darkest hour that you discover how wonderful people can be.

  11. Jenny

    …and it’s only when things get lighter that you really realise it.

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