Self-Pitying Blather No.2

It’s probably more that I’m obviously still pretty hormonal, thanks to the Pill, coming off it (because being on it was an utter hoot and failed to solve the major issue whilst also giving me more spots than I’d ever encountered on my face before in my entire life as well as spots all over the rest of me which was utterly new, and putting me in a crazy weepy flaily mood most of the time so yeah, stuff you, Pill), and because it’s probably about time that PMT struck anyway, so yes, I am still in a stonkingly bad mood.

But I think actually the problem here is that – thanks perhaps to some choices I’ve made recently and some stupid things I’ve done and thanks to the fact that being OK now is not an achievement any more, it just is, and now to feel that sense of achievement I have to go out and do more and better, anyway, my self-esteem is taking a slippery downwards shuffle and that’s causing me to go out and do more stupid things and not be as good to myself as perhaps I ought to be. And if that carries on then I’ll go back and start acting like I used to when I was younger, and that will almost inevitably lead – eventually – to the doldrums that I put so much work into getting out of last semester. All that painstaking time, all those tears, all that madness, all that learning to do all the right things, go to all the things I was meant to, recording my moods and my feelings on a chart and doing weekly homework for my counsellor, fitting it all together and seeing how it all made sense and didn’t matter any more – I don’t want to undo all of that as easily as I realise I could.

So I pray more and I hold back and I try to make all the right choices and find the middle ground. Because it’s easy to make mistakes and take things too far, but it’s almost as easy to go right the other way and avoid altogether things which you should be able to take lightly and do once in a while. There is nothing wrong with swearing, with having the odd drink, with going to a pub or a bar or a club or wearing something which shows a bit of flesh, and there’s no reason to live like some kind of nunnery-of-one, and nor is there any self-respect in those choices either because it’s saying to myself that I can’t trust myself to let go and relax once in a while.

Who knew the hard work only really kicked in once you were signed off, OK, sorted, fine? I suppose it should be no surprise, really. Because everyone will tell you what to do when you obviously don’t know the answers, you never get left to flounder when you’re trying to get well, it’s once you are well and you have to remember how to go it alone – or even learn it – that’s the issue.

Sometimes I hate how honest I am here.



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5 responses to “Self-Pitying Blather No.2

  1. I think, though, everyone feels like that. Being ‘okay’ isn’t easy, it was never going to be easy. It’s the easiness of negative thoughts, of the bad habits, that makes it easy to slip into the downward falling. You just have to learn to tell them to shut up, and sometimes that needs a greater or a lesser degree of vehemence. Sometimes I have to physically shout at myself to get the nasty side to shut up. Sometimes I just have to think it. But yes.

  2. Flix

    You’re not as messed up as you think you are
    Your self-absorption makes you messier
    Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better
    Deep down you’re just like everybody else

    Frank Turner, again. Most of the wisdom I ever take heed of comes from various song lyrics.

  3. My turn with the lyrics πŸ˜›

    So let go, jump in
    Oh well, whatcha waiting for?
    It’s alright
    ‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

    You need the lows to have the highs πŸ™‚ xx

    • Jenny

      See, I’m really not sure that’s true. I think it’s perfectly possible to appreciate that you are happy without having been unhappy in the past. I know plenty of people on a far more even keel than I am on and I don’t think they’re less happy than I have been in the past.

      And Flix, thanks for the Frank Turner. My friend is in one of his videos! And yes. Good point.

  4. As a wise sage once said (and by wise sage, I mean Joss Whedon writing dialogue for Buffy): ” The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”

    Life is a Sisyphean struggle. You just have to make the best of it, one way or another.

    I find that happiness/unhappiness aren’t two sides of the same coin, one unable to exist without the other, but that happiness tends to provide you with opportunities with which to make yourself unhappy. It’s more of a causal relationship than one predicated by their nature.

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