Frankly I feel ugly and old and spotty and my hair looks shit and half my shoes are broken and the other half are way too summery for this weather we’ve been having and although it’s sunny right now I can’t trust it not to rain, sleet or snow later, or indeed all three.
I don’t feel particularly clever or interesting or witty and I don’t feel massively settled here. I am accepted easily within different groups – different church groups and with people involved in things like Oxfam and the various music things I do – but I don’t feel at home in those groups myself. I am far more comfortable with my housemates for this year – and, I think, next – or at least some of them; and I feel best when surrounded by H and M and A, although then you have to contend with H and M’s beaming couply happiness (I’m OK with the fact that they’re so happy together they practically glow, of course Im glad that theyre happy, but do they constantly have to be quite so all over each other? They’ve been together a year now, they practically live together, you’d’ve thought they could hold off in Starbucks or, y’know, when me and A are the only other people in the room, or indeed, in general…yes?) and A’s distant adulation of his distant girlfriend, although that said, him moping is worse, so although I adore them to bits sometimes it all gets a bit too much, you know.
I’m sorry but sometimes it all comes out and I feel just a bit accursed, just once in a while. Unhappy at school, I screw up and screw around in sixth-form, I go to university and things only get worse, and they start to get better but it takes so fucking long, you know? I’m given a new chance with this year but it’s like a tanker turning around, it doesn’t mean that this year is actually enjoyable, because I’m still trying to claw back so much and so many things and fuck it hurts sometimes and I get all self-pitying and weirdly enough I would rather tell all of you on the internet, despite knowing who will be reading this, I would rather talk about this here than whine at any of my friends in the real world. Right now I don’t even want to go home, specifically. I just want to cry.
So, fuck the lot of you, I’m going to cry. Fuck you, PMS. Oh no, wait, I have to leave for my lecture. Keys, phone, notepad, blank expression: check, check, check…check.