Alright, I'm Feeling Less Lovely Today

Frankly I feel ugly and old and spotty and my hair looks shit and half my shoes are broken and the other half are way too summery for this weather we’ve been having and although it’s sunny right now I can’t trust it not to rain, sleet or snow later, or indeed all three.

I don’t feel particularly clever or interesting or witty and I don’t feel massively settled here. I am accepted easily within different groups – different church groups and with people involved in things like Oxfam and the various music things I do – but I don’t feel at home in those groups myself. I am far more comfortable with my housemates for this year – and, I think, next – or at least some of them; and I feel best when surrounded by H and M and A, although then you have to contend with H and M’s beaming couply happiness (I’m OK with the fact that they’re so happy together they practically glow, of course Im glad that theyre happy, but do they constantly have to be quite so all over each other? They’ve been together a year now, they practically live together, you’d’ve thought they could hold off in Starbucks or, y’know, when me and A are the only other people in the room, or indeed, in general…yes?) and A’s distant adulation of his distant girlfriend, although that said, him moping is worse, so although I adore them to bits sometimes it all gets a bit too much, you know.

I’m sorry but sometimes it all comes out and I feel just a bit accursed, just once in a while. Unhappy at school, I screw up and screw around in sixth-form, I go to university and things only get worse, and they start to get better but it takes so fucking long, you know? I’m given a new chance with this year but it’s like a tanker turning around, it doesn’t mean that this year is actually enjoyable, because I’m still trying to claw back so much and so many things and fuck it hurts sometimes and I get all self-pitying and weirdly enough I would rather tell all of you on the internet, despite knowing who will be reading this, I would rather talk about this here than whine at any of my friends in the real world. Right now I don’t even want to go home, specifically. I just want to cry.

So, fuck the lot of you, I’m going to cry. Fuck you, PMS. Oh no, wait, I have to leave for my lecture. Keys, phone, notepad, blank expression: check, check, check…check.

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8 Comments

Filed under Family, Friendship, Happenings, Introspection, Life, Relationships, Sex, Society, Thoughts, University, Women

8 responses to “Alright, I'm Feeling Less Lovely Today

  1. Mia

    Gosh, do I know how you feel. Sometimes, the world crashes down around you and all you really wanna do is cry, but you can’t cos you’ve got to go and do something else, and you can’t bring yourself to voice it out loud, so all that you really can do is type.

    I can honestly say I understand, if not all, then the vast majority of how you feel. I hope things get better, and in the meantime, *hugs* xxx

  2. Thanks :). And, if you need them, and even if you don’t, hugs to you too.

    Things are fine, there’s nothing hugely wrong as such, but there’s just nothing massively right either, and that’ll change with time, but some days are good, some days are great, and some days are just terrible, just because, so yes, it will get better, if only in that I’ll be in a better mood tomorrow, perhaps, or the day after, or something.

  3. mikel

    “…it’s like a tanker turning around…” yes it may well be but at least its turning, may take a while but it will be pointing in the right direction eventually. There is a saying that I gave to a friend of mine when she was in a similar quandry – it may not work for you but it did work for her. “The best way to eat an elephant is to cut it up into small pieces.” She has printed that out and it sits on the wall next to her PC so whenever things seem to be getting too much – she just cuts that “elephant” up into smaller pieces and deals with it that way. Just a thought.
    Another random thought that may or may not do any good. Its something that our friends in Japan practise. In a lot of major companies they have an area, usually in the basement I believe (again verified by another friend that spent two years in Tokyo). In that room they have a number of “dummies”. People when they are feeling frustrated go down and basically beat the crap out of one of the dummies.
    Apparently it helps people deal with some of the pressures of life.
    I’ve tried it myself and I have to admit pillows dont work – way too soft! The best I found was to borrow someones punch ball – you know the ball at the top of a springy stick – and spend 5 minutes just hitting it that works quite well, but you gotta watch out – it’ll hit you back, it’s on a spring remember, if you don’t pay attention πŸ™‚ Doesn’t cure anything but it does help for while.

    M

  4. Flix

    When you look back with wistful and misty eyes about how student days were the best of your lives, remember this moment, and be happy that you’re now earning money and living in one place with firm friends and doing whatever grown-ups do, I’m not sure what that is cos I haven’t quite got there yet.

    But yes, it is rubbish, sometimes. And it takes a while getting used to. I sometimes think xkcd style about a line chart of my uni life, semester-wise, and the different terms go up and down unpredictably and never quite make it constant. Change is hard and these years are all about the transitions so I guess the only thing left to do is live it.

    Yeah, well life is about love, lost minutes and lost evening
    About fire in our bellies and about furtive little feelings
    And the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering
    And they help us with remembering that the only thing that’s left to do is live

    After all of the loving and losing, after all the heroes and the pioneers
    The only thing that’s left to do is get another round in at the bar.

  5. Jenny

    I don’t know anyone with a punch ball! But it does sound like a potentially good idea.

    As for cutting up the elephant into smaller pieces – I’d not heard that phrase before but it is something I do in a way. Sometimes when times are tough you just have to get through this minute, this hour, this day, and before you know it a week’s gone by, or whatever.

    And yeah, living a completely unsettled life, in two towns, across loads of different subsets of people, and never really just in one place – it’s bound to be difficult, I suppose. I’m enjoying a lot of it, sure, but it’s… hard work.

    And Flix, what’s that quote from?

    Finally, thanks :). Sometimes I love having a blog.

  6. mikel

    strangers things than punch balls turn up in oxfam shops now and again, so keep your eyes open – you never know πŸ™‚

  7. Flix

    It’s a song by Frank Turner: I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous,/a>, a track off the album Love, Ire & Song. I like it. See also: Photosynthesis and Reasons Not To Be An Idiot It’s one of those albums that resonates very heavily with a particular era of my life, namely the point at which I started to get happy.


    And it’s obvious my angry adolescent days are done
    And I’m happy and I’m settled in the person I’ve become
    But that doesn’t mean I’m settled up and sitting out the game
    Time may change a lot but some things may stay the same

    *crosses fingers that links work*

  8. Flix

    I CROSSED MY FINGERS AND EVERYTHING!!! 😦

    There *are* three separate links in there but you can probably find the songs yourself, if you’re interested.

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