Oh, Heck.

I just got out of my exam. I really don’t think I passed – honestly, I don’t. I don’t know what went wrong, where I went wrong, how this happened, because although last semester didn’t go brilliantly, what with spending most of it in counselling and the rest on a variety of trains, and not being able to work or concentrate for so much of that time, and so on – because although last semester didn’t go brilliantly I had so much time over the holidays in which to work. I was going to do the bulk of the work in January, and I did. What I failed to take into account was my total inability to memorise basic facts. If they’re not difficult, if they don’t require learning, then they just don’t seem to go in to my brain somehow. So really I was trying to cover the whole module in this last month, and I was working too slow. And I tried – I really tried – to concentrate, but I was hormonal as fuck (that really is an excuse, and a good one, promise) and understandably pretty emotional too, and so however long I sat at my desk I just wasn’t able to concentrate for long. It would take me two hours to cover a double page spread in my textbook and although the stuff I’m doing is complex, it isn’t that complex. I didn’t find any of it difficult, I just cant seem to remember any of it for long. Ive hardly worked at all before in my life, so I don’t really know how, or how long it should take, what to do, any of that. I don’t know if its working, I don’t know what to do to make sure I know the stuff. I’m learning. But as it stands, I have come out of that exam very, very uncertain of a pass. In all honesty I think its more like than not that Ive failed.

I went to go and talk to my tutor, and she was completely unhelpful. Seemed to think that I really am stupid, that I might be better off at a university nearer home, that I should go back to counselling, and so on and so forth. I cant seem to get through to her that whatever things have gone wrong in the past, whatever has brought us to the point where I haven’t passed this exam, I am fine now, for crying out loud. I am intelligent and sorted and yes, I made some mistakes, but your pity is frankly disgusting to me.

So the question is, where do I go from here? What do I do next? I’m not starting again. I cant think of any other subject I like enough to spend a further three years studying. So I guess that leaves the Big Wide World, and me deciding what I want to do in it that doesn’t require me to have a degree.

Or if I’m very lucky Ill get a conceded pass.

Oh, hell. I hate, hate, hate how it becomes more and more difficult to prove to anyone that this is not because I am stupid or pathetic or lazy or whatever, that things just keep going wrong, and some of them are my fault and some of them are not and I really, really, really do not feel like I deserve any of this.

This is going to take more than a cup of tea and a shopping trip to make me feel better, methinks.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Oh, Heck.

  1. More than an e-hug as well, but if its any help at all…?

    *hug*

  2. Mia

    MASSIVE HUG from me as well!! xxx

  3. It could just well be that you’re trying to study something that your brain just isn’t right for.

    Some of my friends study biology; all their work seems to consist of cramming huge amounts of lecture notes into their brain. I couldn’t do that, not even a little.

    And I’ve known people who are really very smart but rubbish academically; what they really ought to do is go into comedy or art or something, not bang their heads against an academic wall.

    I don’t know, but good luck finding out. The real world scares the shit out of me.

  4. Jenny

    I know that in some ways my brain isn’t right for this: that I can understand all of this stuff, easy as pie, I can comprehend things, make connections – it all makes sense, I just can’t then remember any of it. But that makes me even more determined to prove that i can do it, and do it well. Just because.

    Whether I get the chance to prove it in the future we have yet to see. I used to think that I could remember anything that if I understood it, if it tied in with other things I knew; believed that up until really quite recently. But apparently that’s not quite how my brain works, or there’s just too much to try and remember. And it will get easier and more obvious and then I’ll be able to learn other things and cram them into my memory somehow too.

    Here’s hoping that I get the chance. Because yes, I can’t wait to be out in the real world, but I want to be doing so on my terms. Thank you, though. Whatever ends up happening luck will be very much welcome!!

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