More Miss Than Hit

So, over the summer, I met a boy. And it wasn’t always easy, and in fact, it got less and less easy as time went on, I think, although just when I thought we were getting somewhere it ended.

And then I had three months to myself to sort myself out, and sort myself out I did. I’ve never felt so healthy and rational. And he was doing the same, or so we both thought, so when we got back together in December, we thought we were ready and that it would work this time. But immediately the same problems crept in. I was happy with him, but he got increasingly depressed and anxious, and at one point we nearly broke up, before Christmas.

But then things seemed to be working again. And you know, to me, it seemed like someone had given me a wonderful present – just for being me I was given this wonderful man who made me feel beautiful, who literally made meΒ  glow, who kissed me and bit me on the nose and thought I was all the things I’ve always wanted to think I was, and who saw things in me that even I hadn’t seen, and who took me places I didn’t even know existed, and who made me so damn happy, and bought me the most beautiful necklace for Christmas, and drove me about, and he was interesting and we had these fascinating conversations about God, bionics, and all sorts, and he made me laugh, and he could be so very sweet, and I thought I did all or most of those things for him.

I knew things weren’t perfect for him – I didn’t understand how or why but I knew that somehow being in a relationship made him anxious and depressed and put him under a certain amount of strain, some of the time, but since (whatever I said) I’d usually been able to tell when he was and wasn’t OK before, I thought that things seemed a lot better, and I’m sure they were, right up until the last day we saw one another, when he seemed tired and a little bit off, but kissed me goodbye affectionately and didn’t give one single hint of wanting to imminently break up with me, left me, saying, ‘I’ll see you’. Smiling. Not sure when, but soon.

And then the very next day – the very next day! – he rings up and breaks it off, just like that, saying that things were getting no better for him and it was just too difficult and that this time, that was it, because his happiness when we were together was ‘so hit and miss’ and lately ‘more miss than hit’. It seemed like such an out of the blue thing – not because I thought things were going swimmingly, but because it felt like he had been prepared to put a bit more time and effort into working out what wasn’t working for him, because he’d agreed it might take some work and that perhaps the only way to work out why he struggles so much with relationships was to actually stick with me and work on it, and because I thought things had settled out into something fairly stable, a good place from which to start figuring all this out. And no, apparently I was wrong, because he goes back to university and rings up to say he’s giving up at the first hurdle and that this time that’s it. And I don’t know whether I can believe that it’s basically about him, and that this is what happens every time for him, or whether it’s partly us. I’m utterly confused and washed out and to be honest angry that six months of being messed around and told one thing than another and having him change his mind every other day, every other minute, sometimes, even, and it’s just fizzled out. As if you can just walk away, just like that. To me it feels like giving up. It feels as if he thought, oh, this is hard, and never actually tried to change it or work out why it was hard and find out how to make it easier. Oh, this is hard, I think I’ll run away now. I mean, what happened to wanting to work at this? I was utterly prepared for the idea that it wasn’t always going to be a bundle of laughs, that I was going to be confused and messed about a lot and would have to deal with some serious emotional confusion. I was prepared to stick by him through that in the hope that things would work out in the end. He had found someone who would give that for him and then he just walks off?

Well do you know what? This is hard. And now I have to pack him up in a box inside my head, sellotape the lid down, and just not think about this for a goodly while. By the time I can think about this again, things’ll be different; I’ll have moved on. As for friendship, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. Yes, I’m angry, and sad, and irrational. Of course. But now I have to drink some more tea and get on with revision, sorry.

P.S. You know I miss you, but I thought I’d say it anyway.

Advertisements

12 Comments

Filed under Beginnings, Endings, Friendship, Happenings, Life, Relationships, Religion, Sex, Society, Thoughts, Women

12 responses to “More Miss Than Hit

  1. Flix

    😦

    I identify with the wrong person, here.

  2. If he says it’s him, it’s him. I was in a relationship a few years ago (just before I met his nibs in fact) and he was very happy in it and I was happy some of the time. And some of the time I couldn’t cope with the fact that he thought I was, to all intents and purposes, flawless. Not because that was what he thought, just because I couldn’t get to grips with it. And it was awful, and I didn’t feel like I was worth it. In the end I tried to tell him it was me, and not him, because it was. But he went away feeling awful (and, erm, I think believing I thought I was a lesbian – all I told him was that I wasn’t comfortable with myself any more!).

    I wouldn’t wish that on you. But any relationship involves giving and taking and if he didn’t feel like it was okay to take, that’s a problem with him, and not with you. Many hugs and give me a prod if you want to talk, yes? x

  3. In the midst of long email conversations a few weeks back, I think I posed a question to you of what do you do when someone walks away simply because they’re not prepared to put the effort in to work at it, and what it comes down to (because I’m there too, and trying to live with it and all the rest of it) is that there’s really nothing you can do. You have to try and work out in your head that there were good times and bad times, and hopefully it was worth it for the good times – but even if it wasn’t, it’s been an experience (and hell, sometimes that’s all you can take away) that has taught you that these things require real effort and perseverance and that next time, you know what you’re looking for.

    It’s the hardest thing in the world to be told that someone wants to stay and believe them, really believe them, only to realise that they don’t actually mean that and will walk away. And it doesn’t make the days and weeks and months of trying to get over it any easier, in fact, in strikes me as a lot like depression that you hit a point of “well, what the hell do I do now” and really the only thing to do is to get up and keep going, every single day. And over time, things will be different.

    But in the interim, it doesn’t make it any easier in the slightest. No-one that’s been or is going through it will pretend it is.

    I’m here, if you want someone to talk to.

    xxx

  4. Jenny

    Thank you, all you beautiful people. Having been single for all the time prior to this, and therefore having always been on the outside; having seen relationships among my friends break up for concrete and slightly more intelligible reasons – university, cheating, falling for someone else and not wanting to cheat, falling out of love with that person, finding it too hard to be with someone when that someone is a difficult person to be a good boy- or girlfriend to, they’re obvious and expected reasons to break up with someone and it’s hard, of course it is, but it’s in the vocabulary. This wasn’t in my expected litany of obvious reasons to break up and so I felt like I was alone because I couldn’t comprehend it, but I’m not, and it’s good to know that I’m not, and of course I’m not, there’s not a thing that’s new under the sun. But thank you :). And I’m doing OK, actually, and yes, I may well call sometime soon. xxx

  5. It’s shitty. It’s shitty, and it’s made worse by the fact that there is no-one to blame or even be angry at when it comes down to it. Hugs to you, and to him.

  6. Jenny

    Oh, I’m angry at him, however much he may deserve those hugs too, which he surely does. But yes, it is shitty. It’s life, it’s called Being Twenty Years Old, and this is how it is until you meet the person you marry (if you marry, here’s hoping I do, some day), and hopefully the good outweighs the bad and in most cases like this, it does, and it doesn’t, and it’ll all be OK.

  7. I think I’ve had enough of relationships. You put yourself out, make yourself vulnerable, and you just end up getting hurt when the whole thing falls apart. I’m done with them.

  8. Jenny

    I said that before I’d ever got involved in one for real. And you know what? Even now, I will quite happily stand up and say, yes, OK, it’s over; but I learnt a lot about myself, I learnt a lot about the world, and there were good days which in my eyes more than made up for the bad. I can see, though, why that wasn’t quite enough, and I wish there was a way things could have been different – choices we could have made differently, something else we could have done, I really don’t know. Sure, you end up vulnerable, and you end up getting hurt, but at the end of my life I’ll remember much more about the good times than the bad and surely that’s what counts?

    And do you seriously mean that? Do you seriously mean that actually you have no intention of finding someone and taking the chance that things do work out in the long term, but taking the risk that in the meantime you’ll get it wrong and you’ll get hurt?

  9. C R M

    I think it’s silly to have ‘done’ with relationships. I’ve had several, most less successful than others, but to be honest they’ve always been worth the risk. And there isn’t really a risk anyway. It’s just a bit painful and messy for a while, but you learn how to cope with that, and then the actual relationships are worth it anyway.

    xxx

  10. Jenny

    I completely agree :). Andy – next time it comes up, you know you’ll probably take the chance anyway. Half the time these things just creep up on us, almost as if there’s no real choice in the matter, and you just have to accept that in the end it will hurt, probably. So as far as I can see it’s near impossible to take the decision not to ‘do’ relationships any more… unless you become a monk or a Catholic priest or something πŸ˜› xxx

  11. “unless you become a monk or a Catholic priest or something”

    Now that I would find hilarious :-p

  12. Jenny

    haha yeah I thought so πŸ˜› – why else would I have said it?!! xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s