A recent blog post of Callan’s got me thinking a while back about this whole issue. I would like to come back to what he said with this: I have been in the same situation now for pretty much all of my life. And I used to ride the rollercoaster, get hopeful, get battered and bruised and dejected, and climb straight back on, fall for the next sucker, keep moving. And more recently I have lost the ability to care enough about people I meet to even consider going to the effort of liking them and having my hopes crushed again, and so I don’t do it, and in fact, for months, I haven’t really liked anyone new, haven’t struck out on my own and although I’ve been on dates and for drinks with people and so on, it’s all been going through the motions, really; and it got to the terrifying point, quite recently, where I realised I was completely emotionally uninvolved in the actions I was going through, and I wondered, when does this stop – when does this numb resignation and acceptance go away, or will it just swallow me whole and that’s it, I never break through this shell again, and I never fall for anyone ever again or really care in the least bit?
I won’t give you more recent installments in this story – that would be gossiping. They prove the point I’ve already made, no more than that. But I do merely want to say this – I don’t think continually getting your hopes up and getting them dashed is as bad as losing the ability to get those hopes up in the first place and turning into a confirmed spinster at the grand old age of 20, and I can easily, horrifyingly see how I could turn into any one of my mother’s friends, with hobbies and jobs and great lives but never anyone significant for long, because the connections that hold you and whatever man there happens to be are just too loose because you don’t know how to feel any different.
I’m not saying I want to be horribly rejected, I just don’t want to end up building barriers around my solitude and keeping things that way. I like being single – and that’s what makes being single such a risk, that I could just stay that way forever. It’s bad enough that I am just muddling along now without making any real effort to change things – and I hope I serve as a warning to, well, any and all of you. Quite seriously. Don’t resign from the game, because it’s bloody difficult to make yourself jump back into it.
Meanwhile, I’m writing this now because, well, there may be a change in the wind. That is all you may know for now, dear Reader. We’ll see how it goes.