A Cloudlife Moment

For no reason,  a really bad evening. I had M and AY over for dinner along with A my flatmate (who you’ve heard about before) and that was lovely – good food, good conversation, good G&Ts, and a good film – The Mother – which was honestly fantastic and well worth seeing for all kinds of reasons, review possibly at some point to follow – but then I just plummeted. A was wonderful, as ever, insofar as he kept me company and said reassuring things about always being there for me even next year, when we’ll be living miles apart – ‘you know I’m only a phone call away, don’t you, Jenny?’

‘Yes, but you know I’ll never actually call you when I feel like this. You’ll have to just intuit or something.’

He’s promised to be there. No matter what. If he was any less against my plan to send my kids through the state system no matter what, I’d marry the man. He likes cats rather than dogs, is going to have no say in names – I’ve chosen them already – and will keep us together and be the ideal househusband. Actually that said neither of us would actually want to marry each other, which is a shame, we’re the archetypal married couple already. Today we were even dressed the same, in dark blue jeans, hoodies and leather jackets. And no, he is not Someone in particular, he’s just a friend. ‘Just’, huh? A very good friend. Who somehow believes that some day if he needs my friendship I’ll be there like he has been for me, and anyway, ‘that’s not how friendship works’, so what the hell does he get out of this crazy deal?, and even if it isn’t, I’m just not sure that’s possible – for me to give him as much as he has given me. I owe him so much. Millions of cups of tea, months of sympathy, millions of curt commands to just leave me alone, with no possible reward.

Anyway, it wasn’t so bad in the end. An hour of monosyllabic non-communication and a total lack of eye-contact from me, curled up in a corner with his arm around me, reading me poetry, then we got the Pinter-esque, slow, hesitant, I-almost-hope-I-physically-can’t-have-children-because-look-at-me-I-couldn’t-be-anyone’s-mother-even-if-I-wanted-to-so-it’s-better-if-that–choice-is-taken-from-me speech (could I be any more self-pitying?) and now, well, I should be in bed. I feel better than I did. Better enough, anyway, to look back and scorn my pathetic, tedious self of an hour ago.

If I have to make two more entries on a Cloudlifey theme between now and the end of May, I’m opening it back up. You don’t want me drivelling blearily on here about how horrible it is to be alive, not here. Cloudlife is my drivelspace, and every now and again I say something that isn’t all emo and whiny and is a genuinely constructive thing to say about being depressed, which is all well and good, but I want this blog to stay more or less based around my insanely under-informed take on the world, politics, smoking, and the myriad other stupid things that cross my mind. Actually, I don’t know what this blog is for, but I know one thing – I don’t like being an emo, and I’d like to confine that particular side of me to somewhere else so that this here is reasonably reliably non-emo.

Oh, great, now I’m angry with myself. Definitely time for bed.

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3 Comments

Filed under Friendship, Happenings, Introspection, Life, University, World

3 responses to “A Cloudlife Moment

  1. Lucy

    He may not be your Someone but from the sounds of it he’s definitely your someone. Which isn’t to be underrated 🙂

    Hope you’re feeling better today. I’ve just had a couple of days on that theme and it’s really not fun, is it…

  2. standingonthebrink

    He definitely is my someone. He’s my person, as Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy would say. And should I find a Someone, that Someone would have to cope with A’s presence in my life because there is honestly no-one like him. He makes me feel OK when I really don’t feel OK, paradoxically. I can’t praise him enough.

    I am feeling better today – It’s as if, because I had a really lovely evening with friends and such, my brain got to the end and was just drained of the various things involved in having a good mood, or indeed any mood at all, and I had to wait until it picked up that ability again and, I don’t know, started producing serotonin again? Or something. And then gradually said serotonin levels climbed to normal levels again, and I was OK, because I could feel a gradual rise in the ability to smile and talk and things – first it was a near-smile (oh! achievement!) the ability to make the effort to get my own mug of tea, some speech that involved actually moving my mouth, a vaguely animated facial expression, a real smile, and over the course of about half an hour I got back to almost-normal. But it was as if the ability to actually ‘have a mood’ was seeping back into my brain. Literally as if my brain was a sponge being gradually immersed in water, where water is any given mood whatsoever (as opposed to no mood, which was the problem).

    As you can probably tell, I have a *hell* of a lot of revision to do on my neuroscience, because that was unadulterated nonsense. Never mind. It’s a way of understanding, rather than a theory. So it’s OK?

    Anyway, yes, I am OK now 🙂 and I hope you feel OK soon too – it isn’t fun.

  3. Pingback: Progress: 2 « Patchwork Dreams

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