I had a friend who, when she didn’t get in to Oxbridge, was heartbroken. A few months after that fateful January day when her fate was sealed as being a very good redbrick, she was still heartbroken and so, to try and get over this and say goodbye, she went on a day trip to the university she’d so wished to be a part of. She came back with a throbbing headache and a blotchy face, having wandered around the city alone and in floods of tears for an entire day, and, of course, is now not really as happy as she could be at the university she is at.
Meanwhile I am here, and I am OK, most of the time. But the other day I arranged to meet up with a group of coursemates to work on our group project – in the Medical School Library, which is inside the huge hospital, down endless corridors in that unique hospital environment. Not on the surface the least bit enticing, but as I walked out of the hospital to go back home I cried as I haven’t cried in ages. I do wonder if I should have taken another year out sometimes, had another crack at all of this, done something really worthwhile with my year out. But that was then and this is now, and the girl I was last year would have been unable to make anything of her year out and would not have impressed anyone at interview even for, I don’t know, Waitrose. (as it turned out I failed taht interview too, back in the summer. Never mind…), let alone a medical school.
I’m only saying this because I can’t actually talk to anyone about the crushing envy I feel for medics, with their daft quantities of work and the experiences they have day to day and the fact taht at the end of the day they’ll come out and be getting jobs that I would literally die for. I can’t cope with what feels like actual, literal grief at losing out on this one, and I have no-one to talk to about this, because there’s only a few times you can mention it before you get given The Face (which roughly translates into English as ‘Jenny get over it, you didn’t get in and that’s that. Move on and shut up, you freaking emo’); and since all of you are looking at your screens as you read this rather than actually my face, you have no power over me. (this is probably where I should laugh evilly).
Never mind. I didn’t get in. I will, just you wait.