Chicken Soup; Tidy Home, Tidy Mind; Man Up.

2 10 2009

Woke up hideously early in the morning; read for a while, then tidied the kitchen until it gleamed. Sadly we don’t own a mop or a broom so shoes are still de rigeur, and there’s no recycling or glass bins yet so there are bottles, boxes and assorted plastic items in a heap by the back door, mixed in with pegs and shopping bags. But it’s not unhygienic, and it’s not impossible to work in, and that’s something.

Now I’m going to tidy my room and it’s going to be beautiful. Not a wire or a greying pair of knickers drying over a drawer handle to be seen, promise. There will be a box of things to go home, and space for a load of new things to come up. Then I’m going to fill in a few more forms, and I’m going to go to the post, and I’m going to go into town, and I’m going to buy a finally-I-got-my-loan treat for under a tenner (I’m thinking new knickers, always fun), and I’m going to get on a train and listen to something mellow and knit. Then I’m going to get off the train and have a wonderful weekend.

You see, I’ve decided that the best way to be OK is to make myself be OK. I am pretty and worthwhile and I can do the washing up, see? I am intelligent and interesting and I can break hearts if I want to. I can impress parents, sometimes. I can befriend random strangers at pubs and parties and on buses. I can knit. I am going to garden things. I go to lectures and I read books and I live and I’m trying to get a job. And the people in my life are there because they want to be, and because I want them to be, because if they didn’t want to be, they wouldn’t be. That is how the world works.

The doctor prescribed me a book.





Fresher’s Flu

29 09 2009

Yes, already. Just when I want to be going to lectures and searching for a job and auditioning for choirs and making a really good decent new start to the year, and here I am stuck at home with a brain shrunk to the size of a pea and my head all stuffed up and dopey and my throat killing me. I am not impressed.

Meanwhile the last few days – since this is my first entry in ‘real’ time for a while – have been fun. All jobhunting and organising and box-ticking and form-filling, and last Saturday our first ever night out as a house, which was great fun. But all of this has obviously been stressful, that, and settling back into an old town, in a new house, with people I haven’t seen in months and not the people with whom I spent the summer. Change and things, and unsurety, and not being able to move into my room for a few days because for a few days we didn’t know which room it was going to be. So yes, stress and unsureness and change and new things. You can see what’s coming. A total crash in confidence which had me eating even less than I had been all summer and somehow my eating became (has become?) a big deal. And now I’m aware just how illogical I’m being, I’m trying to be more sensible, it’s working. And I’m all signed up for counselling and I’m going to the doctor’s regularly and it’s all going to be fine.

Meanwhile I’m watching something called The Real Housewives of New Jersey which is a hilarious show about all these insanely rich housewives who dress and act and wear their hair like they’re still seventeen. It shocks me. All shopping and ‘I’m going to get breast implants even though my hubby is more of an ass man…’ – their husbands clearly being the ones controlling the purse strings. And their relationships with their children – they seem like children themselves, these super-rich housewives, and selfish with it. Every relationship they have is all about them, until it’s all about how their children are hurting them by being a bit unthinking in their manners, the whole thing is about image, and about themselves as central characters, not as mothers overseeing the growth of whole new adults. Protected, selfish, insulated from a world that is changing and in which they cannot responsibly continue to live the lives they are living, buying their children cars in exchange for good grades, but then denying them those self-same cars because they get a little tetchy at a mother-and-daughter photoshoot. Women with perfect limbs and perfect boobs and completely vapid brains, still gossiping about the tedious ins and outs of some completely adolescent relationship of one of their single friends and I can’t believe that at the age of, what, forty at the outside? they can still be happy with this life in which they are honestly still seemingly about seventeen albeit with a lot more ready cash.

More than that I can’t believe I’m still watching this. Goodnight all.





I Never Really Borrowed Her Dresses or Make-Up But I Did Once Wear Her Gold Earrings…

29 09 2009

…and as I remember, I got in a lot of trouble for it too mainly because I’d only just got my ears pierced and could easily have got a horrible ear infection. Probably did, in fact. I don’t recall.

Anyway, my mother. When I was younger – in fact, no, even now – I always wanted to be like her when I was older. I do still want to be like her when I am older. Strong, independent, interesting, practical, not fussy or pernickety. The kind of parent who tells you off by explaining why you shouldn’t do this or that, or why you ought to have said that not the other. Understand why something is wrong and you never do it again, partly because you’re wracked by guilt (perhaps) but mainly because it makes sense and you’re being treated with a degree of respect, trusted with the understanding to judge for yourself what is right and what is wrong.

She’s a strong woman and a role model, exactly the right degree of feminist, a woman whose home is where her toothbrush is and around whom everyone feels at home. Kind and friendly and interesting, the kind of mother my friends always have liked and got on with (almost better than they have with me on occasion!). A friend as well as being a parent, not instead of being a parent, who understands me, supports me,  and sometimes gets it wrong – and isn’t afraid to say so if she does.

I told her all this at the bus stop the other day and she said afterwards how flattered she was. In our reserved way, though, it was just another chat, another silly conversation, and we joked about it as much as we were serious. And apparently I’m not necessarily a million miles away from some time being like that – I just have to live, first. And isn’t that exciting?





But The Dear Knows Who I’ll Marry

13 09 2009

Well, actually, I don’t have a clue where I’m going, or who’s going with me, who I love or not is a little irrelevent, and nor do I have a clue who I’ll marry, so the old song is a not terribly pertinent, but very pretty if you know it. Sadly I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s an Irish folk song and rather wonderful.

Anyway. Tonight I am going to a party in the middle of nowhere, a beautiful house, all rambling gables and tree-surrounded leafy huge garden, and then leaving terribly early having not drunk a drop and having also done some fire poi. I am then going home on the train and will be arriving home horribly late – take a book and hold on tight to your bag, think I. Then tomorrow I am ringing my tutor to Discuss My Options, and possibly then going up to Uni Town to Discuss My Options Further.

I was rather looking forward to my last few days at home, sadly – I would have passed all those exams and, stress-free, would have spent the time with P and his friends relaxing, there would have been a reasonable amount of beer and pubbing and sunshine and autumn and things. I was going to have a fire evening, it was going to be beautiful. Then I was hoping to go and say with P in P’s Uni Town Elsewhere which would have been wonderful – several long days together with no responsibilities and no reason to get up or go to bed early or late or anything, a chance to experience a whole new city, and a lot of fun, really, before going back to my Uni Town for the new year; now it half looks like I’ll be in Uni Town or Home Town and I’ll have a million things to sort out and it’s all going to be rather stressful. It’s not that I don’t deserve it, I do, entirely, I’ll admit that. I was ill, yes, but I’m also lazy and arrogant.

Right now I just want to curl up in P’s arms and forget about all of this just for a little while.





Here’s Something That Puzzles Me

20 08 2009

When I get drunk, I fall asleep really easily after a certain point, and can be absolutely fast asleep for hours, it would seem.

Yet it gradually dawns on me the next day that I am absolutely as unrefreshed as if I hadn’t gone to sleep in the first place. Why is that? I’m assuming I’m missing out on several usually crucial aspects of sleep – but is it the deep stage 4 sleep I miss out on or the shallow dreamy REM sleep that I go without, leaving me utterly washed out?

Oh and does anyone have any idea why I am eating so much at the moment? It’s frankly disgusting. About ten fairy cakes today, some cookie dough that never made it to the baking tray at all, two fried eggs, and some pasta with a wonderful sauce concocted by the glorious Anthony. Yesterday wasn’t a whole lot better – a load of stewed apple, and some lasagne, plus again lots of flour/sugar/butter mess. And a bottle of wine.

I’m not sure whether we left at the end of dinner, or before the pudding was brought in. But a bottle of wine should not have robbed me of my memory or dignity like that, especially not at a dinner party. What has happened to me?

You don’t even want to know what sort of a state I was in by the time I got home. I fell down the stairs, and that’s just the start of things. Oh, Jenny.





Sorry I Haven’t Been Around So Much Of Late

12 08 2009

Here, have some news.

I am less angry than I was because it’s nobody’s fault.

My birthday was lovely – the meal out, with P and family and W, the weekend which followed (another dinner, P paid, cue much guilt), a great evening at P’s with probably too much wine and lots of wonderful people and a midnight birthday kiss and a great fun journey home and lots of lovely presents (new handbag! really shouldn’t be that exciting. And lots of books). Then an evening spent outside with wine and playing backgammon by candlelight with my parents and really wanting a cigarette not because I was stressed (for once – usually that’s a sure-fire trigger but at last it’s losing it’s power to make me want nicotine…) but because it would have been lovely just to have a cigarette in just exactly that chilled kind of environment. Never mind. I didn’t succumb.

Plans, for parties and pub quizzes and such, long conversations in the middle of the night, train tickets, festival tickets, money, I think I may actually pass these exams. Ice-cream, chocolate. Some bad days, some good days, gawp all you like, you know where.

And I discovered the tool on the new post editor where you can schedule when an entry is to be published, which I wish I’d already known about, because now I can set it to slowly publish all my draft entries. Not that many of them are all that exciting, but it gets them out of the way, y’know?

And I’m reading the Sandman comics, because I am the most awful geek, and really enjoying them, so there. And if you get the chance get hold of Bad Science because it is a great book, but I may have said this already. I’ll put a link to Ben Goldacre’s blog (he wot wrote Bad Science) in my Aspirations and Inspirations blogroll. Enjoy.





This Is Where We All Sit Down And Look Through The Photos

7 08 2009

Yes, they were exciting. We hired a motor-boat and I failed to drive it convincingly but then pulled a perfect three point turn in it, so there. We had a lovely spaghetti bolognese and H turned up – she only lives down the road and I hadn’t seen her in a couple of weeks – and brought a banoffee pie which was glorious, and then P showed up and took me out for a drink and it was wonderful to see him after over a fortnight. It was weird, he was familiar and yet not, in some ways wholly new to me, and I was instantly made happy. Oh gawd, yes, coo if you must, I’m not usually this cute… . And we went for a bit of a wander, failed to get all the way to Hurst castle, but had a very nice picnic on the way.

I picked a fight in a tea shop in some gardens: we walked through the gardens to get to the tea shop and I went in and asked very politely if I could have a glass of tap water but the man behind the counter said no, I couldn’t, I would have to buy bottled. He quite clearly had a tap behind him which would have served me perfectly drinkable water, but no, bottled it would have to be. By law, I know this, he is obliged to give me tap water if I ask for it, whether I am a customer or not, and he refused, and kept going on about his bottled water, and I said, I’m a student, what do you take me for? and walked out to join my friends in the gardens, exclaiming as I left, ‘Bastard!’. So he marches out behind me and says, ‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave’, as I stand there fuming and swearing, and so I said, ‘gladly’, and walked out. I am so hardcore.

But the day was cheered up by a lovely meal out and an early night, and then I went back to Home Town the next day with the others to catch up with my lovely wife T, and we talked and talked and talked and made cookies and went for a walk and sat on the swing seat and talked some more and killed some ants and watched Hercules, and then the moon was casting shadows and glorious reflections on the lake so I just had to go down and look at it all for a while, but then everyone worried I was going to get raped or drugged or drowned so they phoned me and I went home. Home Town is hardly a criminal hotspot, but never mind. Sleep, shopping for my own birthday, and home. Last night my aunt and uncle and cousin turned up, and C’s boyfriend W, and we all had a lovely meal although I was a bit tipsy, unhappy, and consequently too vivid and loud and went to bed and then things went seriously downhill. No sleep later, and here I am, not revising, but I should be, so I shall do that now.





Time, I Think, To Rant Some More

2 08 2009

I have always been a staunch supporter of state education. Still, am, ideally. If I had children, and I honestly thought that my local state school would honestly be the best place for my children, in terms of their intellectual and social development and in terms of making them well-rounded, interesting beings with the best start in life, or at least a reasonably good start in life, then I would send them to that state school.

But it seems to me, more and more, that this is almost never the case. For an example close to my heart, read on. The vast majority of the medical students I know went to an independent school. A number of them were even educated at public schools, some were even boarders. This trend is repeated all across all the medical students I don’t know, as well (and don’t get me started about how many of their dads are doctors too, or how they are all, almost to a man/woman, upper middle-class, safe, shiny, pretty people. Not that I’m not in the latter category, well, if you think I’m pretty, I don’t know. But I can be shiny and wear cardigans and look safe!) For a well-worn statistic in a slightly different area of study, try this: 6% of all children in the UK are privately educated at secondary school level; over 50% of students at Oxbridge come from independent schools.

Here are my perceptions of my education. I don’t really remember infants’ school. I was in a central London primary and was one of only about two children in my reception class for whom English was our mother tongue. This meant that a lot of the pupils were learning how to speak and understand spoken English at the same time as learning how to read and write it. A lot of them, too, came from very difficult backgrounds. I remember feeling quite isolated at that school – I didn’t make many friends and I did get bullied, but then, I was an August baby – I was significantly younger than the oldest children in my year. The thing is, I think this school was good for me, at that age – it taught me before I’d even learnt to think about it to be inclusive and fair and to not be afraid or even aware of my differences from other children in terms of race or disability or socioeconomic background. We were quite well integrated with a school across the road that catered for children with special needs and so once a week a group of us went to play in their fantastic indoor play area, full of those squashy slides and climbing equipment and interesting bubbly lamp things and ball pits and stuff, and it was great fun, and we were all children together. If I’d been sent to some prep school and had been wearing a little blazer and a hat and neat grey socks and regulation brown shoes I think I would have missed out on a lot of things that were fairly crucial to my early social development.

The same cannot be said of my education once we moved out of London. From then on I was the new girl, and therefore an outsider, to start off with. I was quiet and a dreamer and teachers therefore regarded me as stupid and possibly deaf or autistic for quite some time. Because of the constraints of the national curriculum I was not allowed to progress onto books which actually challenged and interested me for two whole years, stuck instead on various reading schemes and tedious non-fiction books about things I didn’t care about. Middle-level maths bored me so much I’d spend hours sharpening my pencil to the finest point known to mankind (why I never fantasised about/carried out said fantasies of stabbing the aforementioned pencil into the eye of my frankly awful year three teacher Mrs Mallett, I do not know) and never got to progress onto the top level stuff – but then, occasionally, I’d sneak a look at this supposedly top-level stuff, and it was equally dull and unchallenging and stupid.

And so it goes on. Fourteen years I spent in school, and for thirteen of those years I was very rarely challenged by anything I encountered. (The fourteenth of those years was spent in the second of the two huge impersonal sixth forms I went to, where I was a mature student, doing Chemistry and Biology in one year (well, Human Biology, because my secondary school in a misguided Gifted and Talented program forced the top science set to, having done the dual science GCSE early (which was a good thing) then take Human Biology AS in year eleven, surely the most obstructive and non-useful A-level ever if you want to do anything seriously scientific with your life. It’s almost as ridiculous as Sport Science or something) – anyway, yes, the first time I got seriously challenged at school was because I was doing AS and A2 Chemistry simultaneously, which meant I was actually having to cover the AS stuff twice – with my AS class, and also because the A2 course was in a totally different order, pre-emptively so that I could cope with the A2 stuff. Serious organisation required). Teachers were uninspiringly stupid and rule-bound, hiding from answering difficult questions by saying things like ‘I don’t have to teach you that under the curriculum’, or ‘never mind, it won’t be in the exams’. Exams, exams, exams. I walked through my GCSEs. I then stopped working almost altogether, preferring to go to houseparties and down the pub and into various nefarious field scenarios involving epic quantities of vodka and JD and such. I stopped paying attention in lessons, and my huge 3000-strong sixth form barely witnessed any of this – we were supposedly responsible adults now, and meant to take responsibility for our own learning. If you’re not enjoying the stuff you’re learning, or not learning, at age sixteen, you’re not going to try very hard to do well in it, especially if by not trying  at all you can still come out with respectable B and A grades.

The thing is, if I had been in a smaller school, if there had been a sixth form as part of my school, it might have been noticed that I was really not cut out for arts subjects. It might have been noticed before I even signed up for those subjects, and I might have been convinced to go with my original plan which was all sciences anyway. I wouldn’t have allowed the fact that my best friend had essentially ’shotgunned’ medicine to stop me from even considering it as a career choice. If the school I was at wasn’t all about just getting as many people as possible through with five Cs, and letting anyone like me who could do that blindfold go hang, perhaps I would have been challenged more as I went along.

If it wasn’t for things like the national curriculum, and comprehensive entry, I might have routinely been in sets full of people who weren’t just going to scrape by with the minimum. Not that I have some kind of crazy intellectual-elite kind of agenda going on here – I know that’s what it sounds like, but this is from my point of view as an academic, geeky and intelligent young woman. I also believe that state education often fails people who aren’t as bright by making them hate the very idea of learning and all the rest of it, that smaller class sizes and less rigid curricula are the key to well-rounded, happy pupils, and to every child attaining their potential, and I can’t see how state education could possibly provide all of this but it should, oh, it should. Teachers might have had the time to inspire us and not just drill us. And yes, independent schools are competing in a market, and so yes, of course they’re fighting for good exam results from their pupils, but usually that means good exam results from all their pupils - I wouldn’t have really been able to get away with slacking and coming out with two Bs at A-level the first time round when I could so easily have got As. I needed structure, and discipline, to really do my best at that age, as much as I needed inspiration. Inspirational teaching is pretty rare wherever you look but if there’s no time or room for it in a situation where you’re still struggling at GCSE level with some pupils’ basic literacy it’ll become even rarer. That said I cannot thank enough some of the wonderful teachers I had along the way who took the time to inspire me and others of their pupils – Mr F’s amazing socialist diatribes and debates, Mr M’s utter madness on occasion and realisation that part of my problem was a total inability to organise myself, the way both of those men protected me on occasion from the hell school was socially, Mr L, back in junior school, starting the fight with my organisation skills, among other things. But by and large, there are probably ten times as many teachers I could rant on about with bile and lots of swear words and you would all hate me so I won’t.

And there are other things I gather about decent independent schools – the opportunity to actually get involved in worthwhile music making, or debating, or rowing, or acting, or whatever else floats your boat. My school music-making was done out of a sense of pity and of duty when others of my friends at other schools got to do all manner of fun and interesting ensembles, had orchestras which were worth listening to, had decent peripatetic teachers actually teaching at their schools (my sister and I always had private music tuition, usually stealing our teachers from local public schools, if you must know, but then, we held County Music Awards that bagged us free tuition from London professionals otherwise well beyond our means) and all the rest of it. The social education one gets at independent schools – learning how to be a civilised human being, being given the opportunity to be curious intellectually, rather than being branded as a boffin from the off and from then on being made to feel ashamed of who you really are. I’m not saying it’s utter heaven, for one thing, I wouldn’t know, and I do konw that many of my friends who were privately educated weren’t much happier than I was – ages eleven to fifteen, roughly, are horrible for the vast majority of people.

There were a lot of faults with my state education, and I don’t know how much better life would have been for me in any of the independent schools to which I could theoretically have gone. But I do know this. The people I know now, who were privately educated, are going to better universities, no matter how intelligent they are. They are socially more adept – knowing how to make any guest or outsider seem instantly welcome, moving conversations along with grace and tact, knowing how to order wine and open doors for people and talk to waiters and baristas and so on in a way that many of my old school friends still clearly haven’t mastered. They are the ones that get through interviews into Oxbridge or for law, or medicine, and so on. Who know about music and literature and what’s on at the theatre. On a daily basis I feel academically and socially at a disadvantage, and that makes me feel terribly belligerent about the whole thing. I feel somehow that if I’d had my time again, and been differently educated, I would have made the right decisions and known how to manage certain situations and of course life wouldn’t have been perfect, at all, but I do, crucially, feel that I would be better off. I would have done the three sciences at A-level, and probably philosophy, those would have been the right choices. I would have worked for them. I would have possibly been more socially secure. I would have got those interviews to medical schools and walked through them. Because I know I am good enough, but I never got the guidance when I needed it about how to actually show that to the people that really mattered.

Right, that’s enough of my bitter failed-old-woman rant. Here is why I am still a supporter of state education. Everyone, for goodness’ sake, everyone, deserves a decent education. GCSEs are getting easier and easier every year, that’s why grades are going up, everyone knows it. Everyone who wants to go to university should be able to go. Everyone who doesn’t really want to study until they’re 21 shouldn’t feel obliged to do so. A friend of mine claims that if you can afford to pay for a better education then surely you deserve it – but how on earth am I undeserving of the better education that this friend had, just because my parents couldn’t pay the fees?

If I ruled the world, I would probably base my own state education system on the German one where, at the age of eleven, all pupils take exams which then put them into one of three schools: the Gymnasium, for the brightest students, which focuses on academic subjects and where the hope is that most students will then go on to university; the Realschule, which is a mix between academic and vocational subjects, for students somewhere in the middle; and the Hauptschule, which mainly focuses on vocational subjects and helping their pupils become skilled in a useable trade, getting them onto apprenticeships at the end of school, and the like. The way the system works means that there doesn’t seem to be any kind of stigma associated with what school you do or do not get into – and also there are end of year exams, every year, and your placement within the Gymnasium or the Hauptschule or the Realschule can be reconsidered. I gather there is a certain amount of fluidity. The curriculum isn’t as tight or as dictatorial, and from what little I know, general studies and life skills are far better taught than they are in state schools in England as well.

What I’m really saying is that everyone should deserve the kind of education that some people decide to pay for. I’m not saying at all independent schools are perfect and all state schools are terrible because I am well aware that that is nothing like the case. I’m just saying that in some ways I feel I missed out. That there is a certain amount of social inequality which means that people from a certain kind of background still find that doors are opened for them by dint of who they know and where they come from rather than their knowledge, potential and who they really are; and that those same doors are closed to other people because they don’t know the right people or come from the right places and they haven’t the polish that certain kinds of education and upbringing instil in one. And yes, of course I’m bitter. There are so many what ifs, but if a number of things had been different I could right now be a more than competent medical student.

Next (but this is for another post) I shall talk about university fees, and the end of the cap, and what that will mean for people like me – for whom Mummy and Daddy hand over a lot of money and support and things and it’s all just about OK, at a stretch – and what that’ll mean for that 6%/50% factoid I mentioned earlier.

Sorry I’m so full of bile at the moment. If anyone so much as mentions the word ‘hormonal’ I may rip their hair off their heads and force them to eat it. Because I’m not. Honest.





Time For Tea, I Think

12 07 2009

Yesterday I played in a concert which is held every year. An amateur orchestra, local to where we used to live, in which my mother plays, needed someone to be a double bassist. I’m a cellist, so I just had to play all the bass parts and do my best to play them in the lowest register I could manage. Anyway. Amateur orchestra, amateur choir, the musical societies of this town all get together each year to give their own version of the Last Night Of The Proms (In The Park). So a huge tent is set up for the orchestra, red, white and blue petunias in boxes are ranged in front of the orchestra, and (this is the plan anyway), as the day begins to end, golden and warm and balmy, the people of this town turn up with their picnic chairs and blankets and baskets full of sandwiches, wine, Pimm’s, beer, their union jack flags and silly hats, and listen and sing along to such gems as Jerusalem, I Was Glad (both by Hubert Parry), Pomp and Circumstance March No. 4 (better known as ‘Land of Hope and Glory’) and Nimrod, from Elgar’s Enigma Variations, and other pieces of that ilk. Pretty British, I think you’ll agree.

Well, this year, we topped it. Record audiences turned out to see the concert, and have a nice day out with their families, and it rained, and rained, and rained, from before the point where they even started arriving. They all knew what they were letting themselves in for. So, gamely, our audience in their hundreds turned out with cagoules and Barbour jackets and umbrellas, put their picnic chairs down and then put their picnic tarpaulins over their knees, waved their umbrellas and flags enthusiastically, sheltered their sandwiches under coats and umbrellas, and cheered all the way through. We had to give encores of everything.

Bizarrely it made me terribly proud to be British, that I live in a nation where if you’ve decided to have a picnic and a bottle of wine and a nice day out you do so no matter the weather. Where people are mad enough to go to the beach because that’s what they want to do, even when it’s pouring down with rain. In Italy or Greece or somewhere we would have probably cancelled the concert and all gone home, but no – it was the Last Night of the Proms and that, quite simply, is that.





Little Bits Of News And Stuff

1 07 2009

Yesterday was a brilliant day. I went to meet up with some friends in a nearby town, where we had lunch and then went to see the new Star Trek movie. It was excellent – I never thought it would be my thing but so many people had recommended it to me that when group preference was angling for either that or the Transformers film, I plumped for Star Trek, and I am so glad I did. It was beautiful, and interesting, and well-paced, and I may have a bit of a crush on Kirk, and it was interesting to see all those weird catch-phrases and so on that I hadn’t, in my pre-geek innocence, recognised as being Trekky things, that now suddenly fell into place. Star Trek, it would appear, is one of those cultural reference-frames which is so ubiquitous you never really realise the influence it’s had. And it was highly enjoyable.

Then we went back to the depths of the countryside; C gave me a lift across the county to get there and we went via his house and an empty property his family is selling where we’re hoping to sort a party at some point before it goes. Everything in that warm late-afternoon light looked utterly beautiful. So, off we went, meeting up with the others again to set up a fire and sit around comfortably in the middle of A and T’s family’s forest, which we’ve always called The Moat, for reasons I don’t really know. I swam in the lake, warmed up by the fire, and then went home. I even got a hell of a lot of revision done on my various lengthy journeys. I never thought it would be possible to get to The Moat and back home in one day, for me, but everything just worked. A lovely, easy day, in the company of people who know me well enough that we could all just relax.

There were some people missing, who were missed. Things change – things always do. And now that I’ve started to make friends with a wholly other group I am just hoping and praying that I don’t become one of the missing. This new group, and the people in it, represent for me a whole new chapter and things I’ve never done before and never successfully managed. I have a number of choices to make now – I can have nothing, and be content with what I have, or I can give up waiting and throw myself into this terrifying but potentially brilliant new thing. And it is terrifying, to me. And I don’t know how to predict that if I do one of those things, how entirely cut off my other choices are, further down the line. I hate that I can’t see the future and make my choices based on that.

There are days when I just want to go and shut myself into the library with my revision and give up on this socialising thing altogether. It’s far, far easier, and me being me, I would be just as happy like that.

But instead, no – tonight I am going to a rehearsal, and then on to my grandmother’s house. Back from my gran’s tomorrow afternoon and straight off out to go to the pub with New Group, and then home from that and to the opticians and then straight to a party with some very, very old friends indeed on Friday, and then on Saturday my sister has a concert, and on Sunday I may be going back to Home Town to see some old friends. There are plenty of Good Work Hours in that time, on trains, in my room, in peoples’ houses, on buses, in the car, and so on, so it’s not really a problem. I just want to stop, for a second. It’s a good thing a lot of that time is spent in comfortable, familiar company. Far less stressful.

Oh, stop complaining, dear. Stop being so averagely twenty years old. Stop it, now. I’m just tired. Ignore me.